Always last

I guess that's part of being the youngest child, no matter what my age is.

I'm always last... Last to date. Last to drive. Last to play sports. Last to graduate high school. Last to serve a mission. Last to get married. Last to finish college.

Last to have kids.

That's the one that's on my mind right now. Well, I've been contemplating it for quite some time now, honestly. This is just the first I've really decided to express it publicly. All of my friends and family are pregnant and having children. It's such a happy time and it's all so exciting! I love seeing lives starting and other lives progressing. I love playing with and spoiling my nephews and nieces and close friends' kids. And for a while now I've found myself wishing I had some of my own.

And it seems like over and over I'm told that I'm just baby crazy because everyone around me is having babies.

Is there something wrong with wanting to increase my womanhood to motherhood? Is there something wrong with me for wanting to nurture an infant and teach growing children about life, the gospel, and love? Is there something wrong with me for letting my maternal instinct out? Am I wrong for admitting that I'm no longer terrified of marriage and having a family?

Well I'll stand up for myself since only one other person has when I bring it up. No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that.

So don't tell me I'm "just baby crazy" and that I'm being silly. Don't say "it'll pass," it's only a phase, and I'll be glad later when I don't have children burdening me down. Because for the first time in my entire life, I want kids. I've feared that I'd never want them, never wish for them, and then I'd have them just because of obligation and expectation. And I've always feared that I'd be a terrible mother because of it.

Don't persuade me not to have children yet. Do you think that helps? Why can't someone reassure me that having children is fantastic and fun and a wonderful part of life? Why do you only tell me about the grueling parts of it? Well life itself will always be grueling. I'm stuck with that no matter what. How much more 'preparation' do I need? A few more years? Just so I'm 'older' or 'more experienced' or so that I can enjoy time with my husband? Older won't let me have as many kids, and what other experience do I need so that I can have kids? Will I stop enjoying time with my husband all together if we have kids (even though I know there won't be nearly as much of it)?

Doesn't having children add another dimension to life? Sure, it brings it's own challenges with it, but since when has life been free of trials and difficulties anyway?

I guess I'm just frustrated with the lack of support I feel when I express the fact that I want to have kids, while everyone who is having children gets all this love and praise. When I'm pregnant will I ever get that or will I only hear others tell me it was a poor choice and a bad idea?

As excited as I am for Ben and Trina, Marissa and Brandon, Natalie and Brett, and so many others (which, I'm seriously beside myself with excitement for all of them), I'm also hurting in about that same amount. I just can't figure out what to do with it. I'm not jealous--not at all because those families all deserve to have those beautiful children and all the love and happiness life has to offer. With all my heart I hope for lots of laughter and unlimited smiles as those children grow.

I'm just not sure what to do with this.... other feeling. I'm suppose I'm sad, because I want that kind of love and support. Well, whether or not I ever have it, I'm still going to have children when it's time (and I do hope it's soon, to be honest). No one can persuade me differently, regardless of how difficult it might make everything. Just keep those degrading thoughts to yourself and stop adding to my struggles.

... ... ... ... ...

Okay.

Perhaps that was too much information, and maybe it made you feel awkward. But I needed it out of my head. And now that it's out, I can move on and stop letting it bother me.