I am so glad December is drawing to a close! My wedding last month, Bree's (Bob's younger sister) wedding this month, Christmas, and lots of driving and money-sucking activities are done!!
It was so nice to get home after all the madness. But I forgot. The madness isn't even over yet!
We're supposed to be getting new carpet. I don't know when, but we are. Today we're supposed to be getting a new carpet pad in the living room, but that's all that's scheduled. I wonder if they can just come and put the carpet in the bedroom while they're at it. We need it with our average 41 degree basement apartment with no heat. I'm probably breathing asbestos from the crumbing linoleum in there and my future children will have severe birth defects because of it. Maybe I can sue the owner for it and get tons of money and never have to work another day in my life. Just kidding. That would be lazy.
It's just super annoying because I can't put anything away right now. It'll all just have to get moved again. So I don't know where anything is right now because our bicycles are in the kitchen, the TV is on the recliner, all our blankets and sheets are crowding me here on the couch, and things are back in boxes and stacked where ever there is space. My house is a total mess, and I can't un-messify it yet. Gah!!
At least I have fuzzy slippers that Bob got me for Christmas.
I just finished budgeting what's left of our money. I can't believe how hard it can be to keep up with finances while on vacation. Suprisingly, we're doing okay. That's a relief.
Jennie Ray is coming to stay with us for a while on January 12th. She's needed to get out of Clarksville for a while now, and she finally is. I didn't want a lack of a place to live to keep her from leaving that town. She wanted to move out here anyway, and I would have loved to sell her my place at the pink house after I got married, but I didn't know she was looking at that time. Maybe in the summer and fall next year she can rent it out. It is a wicked-good deal. She deserves it.
And next semester starts a week from today. Ridiculous. How am I supposed to focus and do well in school when I don't have space to do homework at home because I'm waiting on carpet and never had time to get my home in order? At least I don't have any Friday classes scheduled. I just wish I could have bought a midweek pass to Sundance back in October. I wish i could have been able to afford to buy one, anyway. I'll just start saving now for next year.
I think I'll take a nap now. I should go grocery shopping or clean out the fridge (because I didn't do that before vacation and now the food in there is really old) or fix my hair and do something productive with myself, but I'm tired. I don't have work or school. And just being able to sleep right now and not have any time-pressing matter due today is a little advantage I just need to take right now. It really is such a tender mercy for me at the moment, pathetic as it might sound.
Sweet dreams to me.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Changes and Floods
So it's been months since I've blogged. Here's an update:
I started my major and love it (industrial design).
I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
I got married.
I'm going to Singapore for three weeks as a study abroad student in May.
Our apartment flooded and we're getting new carpet.
There you go.
Just kidding. Really, all of that has happened, but I bet you want details. So here they are.
I love my industrial design classes! For the first time since second grade, I look forward to going to school. It's awesome. No textbooks or studying or boring, lengthy lectures. Instead we have short interactive lectures, we create and build 2-D and 3-D models, we sketch, we build prototypes of products we design, and we discuss and critique one another's work in class. It's great!!
In planning for my wedding, I think I started going a little crazy. Maybe I was just stressed out. Yeah, I think I was overly stressed out and that made me start losing my mind. School, work, and planning a wedding while trying to have a social life with my roommates and go on dates with Bob plus keep up with going to the temple and doing my calling and attend all the church meetings (Sunday meetings, Institute, FHE, etc.) I was supposed to... It all just started getting to me. I also had some past issues continually arising and I'd digress back to some pretty miserable emotional states more frequently than is normal. Bob would frequently suggest and encourage me to go see a therapist. I always thought it was a load of bologna and that therapists were just for people who needed an excuse to get out of things when life got hard. Then I realized that I was mentally and emotionally struggling with myself personally and just keeping myself together in public. So I decided it couldn't hurt and if I thought it was a waste of time I could just not go back after the first time... So I went to the counseling center on campus, scheduled an appointment, and went to that first meeting with my psychologist.
I told her that I just wanted to give it a shot, my then fiance encouraged me to see her, told her some of my background and history, and answered her questions. Then she discussed an analyzed much of which I told her, especially about my past. She told me I have post-traumatic stress disorder. I didn't like being diagnosed with some mental and emotional problem... although the more I thought about it, the more I realized she's right. Everything I struggle with--the way I think, my fears and concerns, the times I freeze up or freak out in certain situations (it's mostly internal--I usually hide things from everyone, yet another symptom), intruding thoughts and memories that I block out of my memory that resurface from time to time, my occasional uncontrollable crying--it all points to that. What a weird realization that I have a real problem, and that even has a name. She later gave me a chart with the cycle of the disorder, and she showed me where I'm stuck at and we're making goals on how I can progress.
Weird. I never thought I'd actually believe all that rubbish, but I'm really starting to think it's true.
Bob and I are even going to a couple's support group now. He even liked the idea and was kind of excited about it. And it's been good for me. It's been really hard too. I've been so used to blocking things out, pushing them from my mind, ignoring them, making myself go numb so I wouldn't feel anything emotionally, and then breaking down at some point but never taking care of the real problem. I'd usually just sleep it off until I could block it all out again. I think that actually getting down to the real problem and fixing it is harder.
Way harder. Now when I cry I'm supposed to try and let it out, not close up, and embrace the fact that it hurts. I'm not sure how to do that, to be honest. I grew up thinking that crying is always bad, that I should never do it, because it just meant that I wanted unnecessary attention or that I was spoiled. So I tried for most of my life not to cry. Obviously I have cried sometimes--lots of times--but I always felt guilty for crying and I'd even get punished sometimes for crying--sent to my room, grounded, put in timeout, etc. I never understood why my parents didn't want me to cry--I just thought I was never supposed to. EVER. So I'd make myself emotionally numb when I would want to cry so that I wouldn't. It became a habit and a part of me. And it's not healthy.
So now I'm trying to let myself cry. I still feel guilty and I still feel like I should make myself stop as soon as it starts. As soon as I can get it into my head that crying is not bad, that it's natural and okay to do, I can begin to move on and overcome this disorder that I apparently have. First I have to accept the fact that everything that has happened to me has really happened, yes it sucks, but it's in the past and I can't do anything about it. And then, I can have all this crying and mourning out of my system and I can move on. It just really hurts to finally let myself feel everything I have been suppressing and numbing, and that's the hard part. I should have taken care of all of this a long time ago, but it was a secret I was terrified to admit. And none of it is my own fault, which is also hard to admit.
And I also feel like I need to have this under control and have myself more put together before I can have kids. My children deserve a strong, healthy mother and a loving home. And I worry that I won't be able to provide that until I get this all taken care of. And now that I'm married, I can't procrastinate this any longer.
Which brings me to the next bit of news that everyone already knows, but for my blog's sake I'll
announce it. I'm married!! November 21st, 2009, my own family was sealed together for time and all eternity in the San Diego temple. And it was perfect. It wasn't what I had planned exactly, it wasn't what I had dreamed or hoped for necessarily, especially the hour or two before we made it to the temple, but it was perfect. I couldn't have asked for nicer weather, a more beautiful sunset, or better company, especially my new husband.
We've been married for three weeks now, and it has been so much fun! Seriously, marrying my best friend might have been one of my top five best decisions of my life. I guess I was expecting something to change once we got married, an the only thing that has changed is the amount of physical intimacy we can have. We still have the same amazing hugs, he still makes me laugh every day, we still wrestle on the living room floor occasionally, we still watch movies, we still eat breakfast together each morning, we still tell lame jokes together, we still hold hands whenever we can, we still get butterflies from occasional really good kisses... But now, I get to wake up and fall asleep next to him each morning and night, we get to get ready for church together on Sundays, we can fall asleep on the couch watching movies late at night and not feel guilty about it, we don't have to be careful about kissing too much or too passionately, he doesn't have to walk me home each night (or if he does he can just come on in when he does because he lives there too), and we get to share all of our stuff, especially our kitchen things. Life is great, and it's just going to keep getting better, even if it gets difficult sometimes.
Then, last Friday, I had an interview for a study abroad I applied for. Originally, I had just heard about it and invited Bob to come along to a seminar about it. I just like to find out things about my major and what people are doing in it so I can explain what industrial designers do better. I never actually thought I would really do anything huge; I sometimes just like to know about things like that.
So after the seminar ended, I asked Bob, "So what do you think about that?"
Without missing a beat he said, "I think you should do it!!"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" he responded, and then proceeded to encourage me strongly to apply, and go, and that he'd do whatever he needed to to fund for it. I was surprised. Usually he analyzes everything for a long time before making any decision. I guess that's mostly when he makes a choice for himself. I think he just saw that gleam in my eye about how much I love to travel and how i wish I could take opportunities like that while I can. Needless to say, I got online and applied right after we left the seminar that evening.
So back to Friday. I go in for an interview. After asking me about my background, the professor interviewing me asked, "So why do you want to go to Singapore?" I thought for a moment, then responded about how I love to learn about these opportunities but never take them, and this time my husband really wanted me to go, so I finally applied. Plus it sounds like such a fun and once in a lifetime experience, I'd hate to pass it up and always wish I'd gone. He went on to explain a little more about the course and the country.
At the closing of the interview he said, "Okay, well, we'll be happy to have you come along with us!"
I was like, "So I'm accepted already?"
And I am. So.... Singapore it is! I'll be there for three weeks, from mid-May until the beginning of June. I need a passport, I need to save up a bunch of money, I need to get my GPA up... I have tons to do now!! But I'm so excited about it! I will be taking lots of pictures while I'm there, and it's going to be awesome.
Then there's today. I woke up this morning, and Bob and I laid in bed for a while just talking. I could hear some water trickling outside somewhere. I guessed the temperature had warmed up enough to start melting the snow or maybe it was just raining because it was barely above freezing or something. I got up and went to the bathroom at one point, then crawled back into bed under the warm covers. A few minutes later Bob got up to go to the bathroom. His feet hit the carpet and he said, "Ah! ...ohhh-mygosh."
I leaned over to look at the part of the floor he was staring at. "What?" I asked confusedly. He lifted his foot up and I could see his foot print in the carpet, dark and wet.
"You know that water you were hearing earlier," he said, "well, I think it's inside."
We put on our shoes and started moving things around. We found the source of the water pretty quickly. There's a pipe end in the wall a few feet from our bed, and water was just streaming out of it, inside and out of the wall. It wasn't spewing, but it was like some one had turned on a water faucet at a nice flow. The carpet in over half the room was soaked, with at least an inch of water under the carpet. The carpet in the bicycle closet was soaked as well, as well as part of the living room all the way to the front door. Thank goodness somebody gave us a bucket full of goodies for our wedding, because it came in handy for catching the water. We had to change the bucket every five or six minutes though, because the water was coming in so quickly it filled it up that fast. It was ridiculous. We made it to church after a plumber had come and stopped the water. Bob and I got callings--we're now ward missionaries (Hooray!). Then, just after the sacrament Bob got a phone call from the carpet cleaners, so he took off to go let them in the house.
When I got home from church, I got to see the damage. The wall has some nice water damage. The carpet in the bedroom is gone, with some old and crumbly linoleum left over that was underneath it. The carpet pad from half the living room is gone, although the carpet is still there and drying from being shampooed. all of our furniture that we had just gotten settled into place is now moved temporarily. And some of our things got a little wet, although I don't think any real damage was done.
Wow. Married a month and our first minor-catastrophe has already occurred. Life sure is going to be full of surprises with Bob.
At least we're getting new carpet out of it.
I started my major and love it (industrial design).
I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
I got married.
I'm going to Singapore for three weeks as a study abroad student in May.
Our apartment flooded and we're getting new carpet.
There you go.
Just kidding. Really, all of that has happened, but I bet you want details. So here they are.
I love my industrial design classes! For the first time since second grade, I look forward to going to school. It's awesome. No textbooks or studying or boring, lengthy lectures. Instead we have short interactive lectures, we create and build 2-D and 3-D models, we sketch, we build prototypes of products we design, and we discuss and critique one another's work in class. It's great!!
In planning for my wedding, I think I started going a little crazy. Maybe I was just stressed out. Yeah, I think I was overly stressed out and that made me start losing my mind. School, work, and planning a wedding while trying to have a social life with my roommates and go on dates with Bob plus keep up with going to the temple and doing my calling and attend all the church meetings (Sunday meetings, Institute, FHE, etc.) I was supposed to... It all just started getting to me. I also had some past issues continually arising and I'd digress back to some pretty miserable emotional states more frequently than is normal. Bob would frequently suggest and encourage me to go see a therapist. I always thought it was a load of bologna and that therapists were just for people who needed an excuse to get out of things when life got hard. Then I realized that I was mentally and emotionally struggling with myself personally and just keeping myself together in public. So I decided it couldn't hurt and if I thought it was a waste of time I could just not go back after the first time... So I went to the counseling center on campus, scheduled an appointment, and went to that first meeting with my psychologist.
I told her that I just wanted to give it a shot, my then fiance encouraged me to see her, told her some of my background and history, and answered her questions. Then she discussed an analyzed much of which I told her, especially about my past. She told me I have post-traumatic stress disorder. I didn't like being diagnosed with some mental and emotional problem... although the more I thought about it, the more I realized she's right. Everything I struggle with--the way I think, my fears and concerns, the times I freeze up or freak out in certain situations (it's mostly internal--I usually hide things from everyone, yet another symptom), intruding thoughts and memories that I block out of my memory that resurface from time to time, my occasional uncontrollable crying--it all points to that. What a weird realization that I have a real problem, and that even has a name. She later gave me a chart with the cycle of the disorder, and she showed me where I'm stuck at and we're making goals on how I can progress.
Weird. I never thought I'd actually believe all that rubbish, but I'm really starting to think it's true.
Bob and I are even going to a couple's support group now. He even liked the idea and was kind of excited about it. And it's been good for me. It's been really hard too. I've been so used to blocking things out, pushing them from my mind, ignoring them, making myself go numb so I wouldn't feel anything emotionally, and then breaking down at some point but never taking care of the real problem. I'd usually just sleep it off until I could block it all out again. I think that actually getting down to the real problem and fixing it is harder.
Way harder. Now when I cry I'm supposed to try and let it out, not close up, and embrace the fact that it hurts. I'm not sure how to do that, to be honest. I grew up thinking that crying is always bad, that I should never do it, because it just meant that I wanted unnecessary attention or that I was spoiled. So I tried for most of my life not to cry. Obviously I have cried sometimes--lots of times--but I always felt guilty for crying and I'd even get punished sometimes for crying--sent to my room, grounded, put in timeout, etc. I never understood why my parents didn't want me to cry--I just thought I was never supposed to. EVER. So I'd make myself emotionally numb when I would want to cry so that I wouldn't. It became a habit and a part of me. And it's not healthy.
So now I'm trying to let myself cry. I still feel guilty and I still feel like I should make myself stop as soon as it starts. As soon as I can get it into my head that crying is not bad, that it's natural and okay to do, I can begin to move on and overcome this disorder that I apparently have. First I have to accept the fact that everything that has happened to me has really happened, yes it sucks, but it's in the past and I can't do anything about it. And then, I can have all this crying and mourning out of my system and I can move on. It just really hurts to finally let myself feel everything I have been suppressing and numbing, and that's the hard part. I should have taken care of all of this a long time ago, but it was a secret I was terrified to admit. And none of it is my own fault, which is also hard to admit.
And I also feel like I need to have this under control and have myself more put together before I can have kids. My children deserve a strong, healthy mother and a loving home. And I worry that I won't be able to provide that until I get this all taken care of. And now that I'm married, I can't procrastinate this any longer.
Which brings me to the next bit of news that everyone already knows, but for my blog's sake I'll
announce it. I'm married!! November 21st, 2009, my own family was sealed together for time and all eternity in the San Diego temple. And it was perfect. It wasn't what I had planned exactly, it wasn't what I had dreamed or hoped for necessarily, especially the hour or two before we made it to the temple, but it was perfect. I couldn't have asked for nicer weather, a more beautiful sunset, or better company, especially my new husband.We've been married for three weeks now, and it has been so much fun! Seriously, marrying my best friend might have been one of my top five best decisions of my life. I guess I was expecting something to change once we got married, an the only thing that has changed is the amount of physical intimacy we can have. We still have the same amazing hugs, he still makes me laugh every day, we still wrestle on the living room floor occasionally, we still watch movies, we still eat breakfast together each morning, we still tell lame jokes together, we still hold hands whenever we can, we still get butterflies from occasional really good kisses... But now, I get to wake up and fall asleep next to him each morning and night, we get to get ready for church together on Sundays, we can fall asleep on the couch watching movies late at night and not feel guilty about it, we don't have to be careful about kissing too much or too passionately, he doesn't have to walk me home each night (or if he does he can just come on in when he does because he lives there too), and we get to share all of our stuff, especially our kitchen things. Life is great, and it's just going to keep getting better, even if it gets difficult sometimes.
Then, last Friday, I had an interview for a study abroad I applied for. Originally, I had just heard about it and invited Bob to come along to a seminar about it. I just like to find out things about my major and what people are doing in it so I can explain what industrial designers do better. I never actually thought I would really do anything huge; I sometimes just like to know about things like that.
So after the seminar ended, I asked Bob, "So what do you think about that?"
Without missing a beat he said, "I think you should do it!!"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" he responded, and then proceeded to encourage me strongly to apply, and go, and that he'd do whatever he needed to to fund for it. I was surprised. Usually he analyzes everything for a long time before making any decision. I guess that's mostly when he makes a choice for himself. I think he just saw that gleam in my eye about how much I love to travel and how i wish I could take opportunities like that while I can. Needless to say, I got online and applied right after we left the seminar that evening.
So back to Friday. I go in for an interview. After asking me about my background, the professor interviewing me asked, "So why do you want to go to Singapore?" I thought for a moment, then responded about how I love to learn about these opportunities but never take them, and this time my husband really wanted me to go, so I finally applied. Plus it sounds like such a fun and once in a lifetime experience, I'd hate to pass it up and always wish I'd gone. He went on to explain a little more about the course and the country.
At the closing of the interview he said, "Okay, well, we'll be happy to have you come along with us!"
I was like, "So I'm accepted already?"
And I am. So.... Singapore it is! I'll be there for three weeks, from mid-May until the beginning of June. I need a passport, I need to save up a bunch of money, I need to get my GPA up... I have tons to do now!! But I'm so excited about it! I will be taking lots of pictures while I'm there, and it's going to be awesome.
Then there's today. I woke up this morning, and Bob and I laid in bed for a while just talking. I could hear some water trickling outside somewhere. I guessed the temperature had warmed up enough to start melting the snow or maybe it was just raining because it was barely above freezing or something. I got up and went to the bathroom at one point, then crawled back into bed under the warm covers. A few minutes later Bob got up to go to the bathroom. His feet hit the carpet and he said, "Ah! ...ohhh-mygosh."
I leaned over to look at the part of the floor he was staring at. "What?" I asked confusedly. He lifted his foot up and I could see his foot print in the carpet, dark and wet.
"You know that water you were hearing earlier," he said, "well, I think it's inside."
We put on our shoes and started moving things around. We found the source of the water pretty quickly. There's a pipe end in the wall a few feet from our bed, and water was just streaming out of it, inside and out of the wall. It wasn't spewing, but it was like some one had turned on a water faucet at a nice flow. The carpet in over half the room was soaked, with at least an inch of water under the carpet. The carpet in the bicycle closet was soaked as well, as well as part of the living room all the way to the front door. Thank goodness somebody gave us a bucket full of goodies for our wedding, because it came in handy for catching the water. We had to change the bucket every five or six minutes though, because the water was coming in so quickly it filled it up that fast. It was ridiculous. We made it to church after a plumber had come and stopped the water. Bob and I got callings--we're now ward missionaries (Hooray!). Then, just after the sacrament Bob got a phone call from the carpet cleaners, so he took off to go let them in the house.
When I got home from church, I got to see the damage. The wall has some nice water damage. The carpet in the bedroom is gone, with some old and crumbly linoleum left over that was underneath it. The carpet pad from half the living room is gone, although the carpet is still there and drying from being shampooed. all of our furniture that we had just gotten settled into place is now moved temporarily. And some of our things got a little wet, although I don't think any real damage was done.
Wow. Married a month and our first minor-catastrophe has already occurred. Life sure is going to be full of surprises with Bob.
At least we're getting new carpet out of it.
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