Down & Depressed

I've been feeling down the past several days. Maybe it's just crazy emotions and hormones from being pregnant. Regardless, my feelings are still valid, and I'm sad. It's been quite a while since I've had a day like this.

I'm not sure how to pinpoint it or where it came from. I kept Bob up late last night talking and crying. I feel bad about that, but I really needed it. Today I slept until nearly 11am. I woke up to my stomach grumbling. Were I not pregnant, I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. But for this child's sake, I got up to eat, but then I got right back into bed. Bob came home for lunch, and after taking him back to work, I decided I wanted to have something (no matter how silly) to show for myself when he comes home tonight. So the Costco-sized bag of toilet paper that has been sitting in our hallway next to the bathroom for 4 days finally got put away.

And then I got back into bed with a bag of chips to munch on.

My friend Adam called. He and a few of our friends from Provo are planning to come and visit for a weekend in February.

Lyssa called and wants me to come and take Valentines Day pictures of her and her husband today around 3:00.

As much as I would love to close the blinds and go back to sleep today, maybe it'll be good for me to get out...

*sigh*

Here's what's been weighing heavily on my mind.

I miss my family. I miss my mom. I wish I was still little so I could curl up on my mother's lap and cry as she'd hold me close and sway gently in her old rocking chair.

I've never lived in California, and the weather here is gorgeous 90% of the time. I'm not used to that. I miss rainy days, thunder storms, snow and sleet, playing in the frosty woods, and watching the sunrise over acres of trees and fields of grass. I've always dreamed of living here and how amazing and glamorous it would be. Everyone from a small town secretly (or not so secretly) wants to live in California, right? Well, I did, anyway.

I have these irrational fears that have only surfaced recently. I worry that something will happen to Bob. Every day when he leaves for work, I make sure that I kiss him and hug him tightly for a moment, just in case it's the last time I ever do. I make sure he knows I love him, because I never want him to leave home without being reminded of that, in case it's the last thing he hears from me in this life.

My life has been filled with wonderful people and an amazing family. But it has also been filled with heartache, hardships, pain, and loss. I've needed my parents and siblings and close friends to help me through all of the difficulty I've had, whether they know about it or not. Right now it seems like I'm just coasting and everything is too good, like it's about time for something terrible to happen again. After all, Heavenly Father never lets too many good things happen to me. He just never has. I'm not bitter about that. If I need trials, then I'll take them humbly and try my best to learn what I need to and prove to the Lord that I'm becoming who He wants me to become. I'm just nervous and anticipating the worst right now because it's been too long since some heart wrenching event has occurred in my life.

And I'm going to be a mother in under three months. I've had the faith that this is what God has wants us to do--have children now and not wait any longer. I've been terrified of having kids for most of my life. The responsibility overwhelms me, not to mention my fear of  childbirth. I need to be so selfless for this tiny person that Heavenly Father is trusting me to take care of. My own mother was and is incredible, as well as the epitome of selflessness. How can I ever amount to that? How can I set my own comforts and hobbies and passions aside as frequently as this child will need me to, when those things have been the therapy and means of getting me through the trials and pain that I've been faced with in the past? I still have faith that this is what God would have us do--become parents and bring more of His spirit children into the world to have a chance at life. I know that much is true. I'm just so worried that He's overestimating my strength and ability. Of course He isn't--He knows me better than I know myself. But what if I'm overestimating myself? Am I really ready to be responsible for such a helpless infant who will need 100% of my time, energy, and love?

I'm sure all of these thoughts are due to me being pregnant. But how do I keep going with all of them weighing me down? It's a lot for me to try and deal with right now, on top of the current responsibilities I have.

I mostly just needed to let them out so that maybe they won't be such a focus for me anymore. They're written down, not forgotten about. Maybe I can move on from them, or at least they'll be in the background now.