confusion

Have you ever laughed and cried at the same time? I don't mean laughing so hard you cry--I'm talking about squeezing out tears while sobbing and between those sobs you're somehow cracking up laughing.

I'm not sure if ironic is the right word, but it's the only one I can think of at the moment.

Bob and I have been discussing our plans for the future, trying to decide what we need to do, where we need to go, and when we need to do various things. Back in November, we both were so sick of living in Provo that we were ready to just forget about all the junk we own and stay in San Diego after Thanksgiving rather than come back up to Utah at all.

Over Christmas break, something changed somehow, because we suddenly realized last week how much we actually love living here right now. We have a wonderful and cute home, we have fantastic friends, we live close to some family, snowboarding and rock climbing are practically right out side our front door, and we love the people we go to church with. Life feels pretty good here, really.

There are still problems we're having, with Bob hating his job and wanting a new one but unable to get hired anywhere else he applies. My job as an industrial designer has turned out to be pretty miserable. My willingness to work extra hard and to please clients has been taken advantage of, to the point where I'm the only one working and making projects really progress. I'm done there and would rather not be run into the ground anymore, so I'm finishing this last project (because I don't want to pawn it off onto anybody else like they did to me) and then I'm quitting. In light of that, I've been looking for a better job, more suited for me.

Speaking of which, I seriously have a passion for industrial design, but what with all the PTSD crap I've been struggling with for so long and finally taking care of for the past year, I've got some major creative blocks that I can't seem to get past when it comes to sketching and designing and learning about the creative process. The weird thing is, even with all of that keeping me from really excelling in that field, I've always been able to sew and make jewelry--even design those things from scratch. For some reason, I can still be creative in that area, but not when it comes to positioning simple shapes and forms, sketching out ideas just to get more ideas flowing, and building 3-D objects out of balsa wood and foam core board. I don't get it.

So for my emotional well being (which I've ignored my whole life until now--this is a new thing for me to actually think about), I changed my major--again, I know. I really don't know if I'm ever going to graduate--not from BYU anyway. I'm an open major for the 4th time. So I've been taking some sewing classes instead of finishing the last of my GEs. Not that I don't know how to sew (obviously, from many of my blog posts), but I've never learned professional techniques and skills related to sewing. I've always just taught myself, so it's been great to learn and improve my skills.

In light of my deep distaste for my job, I decided to job search a bit as well. Bob's job is kind of hit or miss on whether he will or won't have work, so it's been kind of unreliable. In order to try and have a steadier income, I looked for a job on ksl.com the other day at the perfect time to find out that a new Edible Arrangements is opening up here in Provo and that they were taking applications and hiring employees! So on Wednesday of last week, I put together a resume and drove over to apply. I got there and the owner was doing on-the-spot interviews with everyone. Thank goodness I dressed professionally! There were about five people in line waiting to be interviewed, and another person filling out an application at a table. So I joined in, waited, and was interviewed. I tried to not only make a good impression, but to also be memorable. The owner said to expect a phone call on Friday or Monday letting us know if she hired me or not. All weekend I was really banking on getting it, praying at every chance to get hired, because I really think I'd love it and the steady paycheck would be great!

Thursday morning, however, things began to really change again. Bob got an early phone call that woke us both up. His grandma on his mom's side was having heart problems and was in the hospital. Late Friday afternoon he got another phone call, and this time his aunt told him that his grandma had just passed away. Grandma didn't want a funeral either--she just wanted to be cremated, then have her ashes placed next to her husbands at a military cemetery. No family gathering or service--just put where she wanted to be.

With that, it seems like a lot of options are opening up for us suddenly. We might have some opportunities in San Diego to get life going down there. It's even felt like Bob doesn't have much going on up here anymore and he needs to go somewhere so that he can get a real career underway. I kind of make my life progress where ever I live with the various skills I have, so I'm content just about anywhere.

Today I got home from class, and Bob and I talked about what to do now. I started really doubting that I'd get the job at Edible Arrangements, because let's be honest--I'm not the most qualified person and there were tons of applicants. My sewing class professor is willing to let me advance more and also take a pattern-making class due to my experience. I've also looked into transferring to FIDM in San Diego to get a degree in something fashion related. (Honestly, I've always wanted to do that, but I just never thought it was realistic or logical.) Bob is looking at going down to San Diego even within the next month or two to start working on a possible property management career. We feel like that's what he should do, and yet we both feel like I should stay and finish some classes here. We decided that that's just what we'll do. Bob will go on to San Diego relatively soon, I'll take the sewing classes here to get as much experience as I can, and then go down to San Diego this summer, and we'll get settled there.

Once we decided that, Bob went to finally take a shower for the day, and I got online to look at FIDM stuff. Not even five minutes after I sat down at the computer, my phone rang, and I just knew exactly what that phone call was before I even pulled out my phone.

Edible Arrangements wanted to hire me. This is the first time that I've ever applied for a job anywhere and they want to hire me purely out of my skills, personality, and how I look on paper. I've always gotten jobs in the past because I knew someone who knew me. Any time I've applied for a job otherwise, I've never been hired, and I've tried it that way a lot with zero success.

After I accepted and hung up the phone. I just sat on the floor for a moment in shock. Then I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. So I did.

There I was, pathetically laying on the floor confused out of my mind as to what to do, because we'd just made a decision about life, and it needed to change again. Emotional whiplash is what I call it. If I work, I know I won't be able to take that pattern-making class. I'm already doing some other things (bridesmaid dresses and a freelance design job, on top of everything I'm already doing for other people) and there's no way I can handle all of that and a job.

So I cried about it, plus the idea of having Bob be away from me for a few months sounds really lonely and hard for me, and that made me cry more. I laughed because this situation was so typical of what Heavenly Father likes to do to challenge me. There's just too many good options for me to choose from. Funny, right?

Now it looks like I'm only going to take the intermediate sewing class and work at Edible Arrangements. And if I really like it, I know I'm not going to want to leave it and move to San Diego. I'm hoping I can transfer to work at one there or even open up a new one down there. I guess I'll have to wait and see how I like it.

Either way, this was just way too much for me to handle, so I had to write it down and get it out of my head. I know, that was long. But now I don't have to sit there and let it stress me out. It's all written down and if I forget about it for a little while, it's okay because it's not all completely gone.

Thanks for reading, if you did.