Upholstering Our Headboard... Again.

Remember that headboard Bob and I built last year? Well, we picked out the fabric for it without realizing how small of a repeating pattern it makes. It didn't take very long for both of us to realize we didn't like it on the headboard. The fabric is great--we both still like it! But not for something with so much surface area.

I used another 50% off coupon at Jo-Ann's and splurged on some really nice upholstery fabric. I originally wanted it to be a rich, dark brown, but I didn't mind the idea of making it another color. So off came the red printed canvas, and on went the new dark brown stuff--tufted and everything!

When we first made it, we never figured out a way for it to mount to the wall or bed frame. Instead we just pushed our mattress about 2 inches away from the wall and let the headboard rest on the box spring which we left right up against the wall. The headboard is tall enough that even though we lost about a foot of its height that way, it still looked pretty good.

I started working on it back in September (hence, no pregnant belly in those pictures) and got it done to a point where I needed to figure out how to mount it on the wall or bed frame again. Bob and I talked over idea after idea and couldn't figure out something we both agreed on. I even went to both Home Depot and Lowe's and asked a few of their employees or "specialists" their ideas. I got a whole bunch of worthless answers, including, "I don't think we have anything here that can do something like that for you." I sometimes wonder why and how those people got jobs working there.

So it got put on hold for a few months. It's been sitting in a closet, tufted and buttons on it, but the fabric wasn't stapled to the back in case I should wait to do that once we figure out a solution. But it's been driving me nuts because every time I open that closet, there it is, beautiful and just waiting to be put up!

It wasn't until we were recently talking to a friend of Bob's who's a handyman and home repair/remodel specialist that he gave us the brilliant idea I'd been waiting for but couldn't think of:

make a French cleat for it. 

Duh!

I know exactly what that is, but how did I not think of it sooner?

I had Bob cut it for me (to let him do some of the manly work because I love him, although I could have done it all myself), and then I attached it to the back.

(I love that I'm nearly almost 7 months pregnant and I'm using power tools. 

I also really like that I have photographic evidence of it.)

And then Bob helped with the other side of the cleats. Finding studs in these old walls is impossible, but he figured it out (after drilling about a dozen pilot holes). And he hung it up too, because it's heavy and he wouldn't let me try by myself, being pregnant and all.

 And now it's finally finished.


Ta-dah! 

Look at that tufting! Not too shabby for the project I learned it on.

Bob snapped a couple of pictures of me enjoying our handy-work. 

It's comfy and looks pretty too.

from tacky to trendy

I love plants. I love flower gardens, vegetable gardens, potted plants, etc. But it's been tough to keep them alive and healthy. It's not that I lack a green thumb, it's just that I'm not home enough to really take care of them. I've been going out of town a lot recently, and with Bob out of town so frequently as well, it's been impossible to keep any plants healthy. Take this, for example:

My kitchen window flower pot. 

It used to have two flowers in it. 

One died.

The other one is on its way, if you'll notice the poor leaves and shriveled up flowers on it. And especially with me going out of town for 10 days in a couple of weeks, I doubt it'll last. Bob won't be home either, so how am I supposed to keep these poor things alive?

I'm hoping I found a solution. I've seen these little "zen garden" style dishes with cute little succulents growing in them. They're hardier and don't need to be watered so often, so I'm hoping when I go out of town they'll last until I can make it back. I've wanted to get one of these for a while, but I haven't been able to afford one.

Then I just decided to make my own. I practically make everything else, so why not? 

After getting my paycheck and depositing it on Friday, I went to Lowes. I found all of the little tiny plants I was looking for, costing $2-3 each. I almost got a cactus, because they had these pretty flowers on the tops of them. Then I looked closer, and realized that the flowers were fake and just glued on. Total let-down! I ended up getting an aloe vera plant, something nicknamed "baby toes," and three others. 

The chic little bowls and dishes that usually hold these plants are ridiculously expensive. Well, the ones there were, anyway. So I went to the DI. I love going there, but the problem is I always end up getting more than I intend to get, so I don't go very often. I walked back to my favorite aisle--the one with all the glass jars and vases. See, I collect really unique flower pots and glass jars and containers of all sorts. It took all of my self control not to snatch up 5 or so really cool glass jars right at first. I had to keep telling myself, "It'll just be more to pack later when we eventually move..." 

I settled on this horrible shiny brass-colored tin container that had these old, faded, dirty fake flowers in it. (Unfortunately, I forgot to take a full-on before picture. I was just so excited to see the finished product that it slipped my mind.) I ran to one last store and bought a can of spray paint, then headed home.

Here are those nasty fake flowers.

I'm sure they were pretty at some point. 

Maybe.

I spray painted the container a nice metallic/hammered metal brown color. There was also some really dried out Spanish moss covering the floral foam the flowers were stuck in, so I used it to cover the soil, then covered that with some little stones I still have from our wedding reception a year and a half ago. 

I love how it turned out!

Kitchen Flowers

When I bought those stamps from Roberts the other day, I also bought five red silk gerber daisies. I've had a white vase from an arrangement I got from work a while ago, and I've been wanting to put some flowers in it since I brought it home. I also had some black feathers left from Jennifer's hairpiece that I made earlier in the week, so I got creative with them.

It's kinda fun.

I think it was just what our kitchen was lacking.

I've Been Hacked!

That's right, my sneaky and subversive husband has hacked my account, and has typed this blog post as a surprise to me. Just so y'all don't get confused, he'll be talking as though he's me, even though I, Janae, had nothing to do with this particular post.

Let's start off by setting down some basics that we can all agree on.

• I'm Janae, and I'm incredibly attractive. Also, I'm lots of fun.
• I have such a wide range of interests and talents that I can hardly keep up with them. I love to cook, bake, sew, craft with paper, scissors, fabric, glue, wood, and just about anything else I can get my hands on
• I have an excellent eye for design and aesthetics, and I love to bring that to play in organizing and decorating my home, and in all those crafty things. 
• I want to learn and do so much more! I've always wanted to go hang gliding, I love climbing but don't go enough, and I love snowboarding, but same problem there. I still need to learn to crochet and a bunch of other crafts and hobbies. 
• I'm hopelessly addicted to Halo. I wasn't very good a few years ago, but after weekly sessions with friends, I can legitimately hold my own. I've even won a few rounds. 
• I really really really want to learn metalsmithing so I can design and cast my own jewelery. Why does everything I want to do cost so much?
• Case in point, I also want to travel the globe. I want to see third world countries and the remnants of the height of European monarchies. I want to see the tropics, the tundra, and be swallowed in the vastness of the Sahara. I want to see all the different places right here in the U.S., from the Painted Desert, to the Redwoods, to Mt. Rushmore, to the Everglades, to New York City, to the coasts of Maine, to the underground Boston music scene...
• Have you noticed how cute I am? I'm seriously attractive, really! Who else do you know that could pull off any hair color, any outfit, any style? We are few and far between. Worship us.
• I throw the BEST parties.       ....E V A R R R.
•  I am one tough chick. If you had any idea all of the crap I've been through in my life to get where I am, you would probably faint. Or maybe you'd relate if you've been there, too. Respect my journey.
• A side effect of all that is PTSD, which I've written other posts about, from time to time. This makes even the most trivial of matters sometimes insurmountable in the moment. Do you get it? Maybe. But unless you've dealt with it, I doubt it.  Like I said, I'm tough. I always make it through it.
• I have an incredible amount of faith, and a very strong testimony of the Restored Gospel. Sometimes the social side of attending church is hard for me to deal with (see above), but I will always love the Savior, the Gospel, and my Heavenly Father. It's unshakable.
• My husband is better than your husband. 
• Did I mention how ridiculously attractive I am?
• Have you hung out with me lately? Why not? I promise you that I am outrageously hilarious, and a load of fun! Seriously, what's your excuse?
• I've changed through about 9 different majors in college (lots of interests) so I know a lot about a lot of stuff, instead of a little bit about a lot of stuff or everything about one thing. Except for sewing- my husband thinks I might know just about everything about that, but I don't really think so; There's always something new to learn!
• I love animals and I really want a dog! We never really got to have one growing up and now that I'm older, I want one. 
• I love my sisters-in-law and I wish I hung out with them more. What do we have in common? What can we do together?
• I'm going to be the coolest mom ever, except for maybe my mom, who is perpetually amazing. My husband has no doubt that I can live up to her legacy, though.

Well, that's about all for now. Comment on this post and tell me how much you love me, because after all, I'm not really writing this, so it's not fishing for compliments, is it?!

Oh yeah, about Christmas...

I've been meaning to post about this, so I decided to give myself until the end of January. So I even have a day to spare!

I loved Christmas this year. It was super fun and fantastic! We dressed up and went to a Christmas party. My hair is barely long enough to curl!

Also, we had out first Christmas tree! We went and bought it from one of those tree lots. Jeez, those things are expensive! I liked ours a lot. It had character. Next year, we're just going to Lowes and to get one from there--better price for a better tree, let me tell you. We still don't have a star for the top of our tree, but we made sure to have the lights start at the very top so there'd at least be something bright and shiny. And Bob's got this ancient electric train set that he was ridiculously excited to put around the tree. We had a lot of fun with it.

Also, it was great to be able to spend the holiday with family. My parents were in town, and two of my brother's families live so close we tend to see everyone frequently. We all slept at Russ & Ashley's house on Christmas Eve, and had a blast. Here are some highlights:

So, on Christmas Eve, Santa stopped by and dropped off presents for everyone. They were all pajamas for us to sleep in. Here are mine, Bob's, and my nephew Owen's. His little pirate PJs were adorable!

And Christmas morning. I ended up getting all the stocking-stuffers for both mine and Bob's stockings, except a snap bracelet Bob surprised me with. We had candy, more candy, clementine oranges for stocking toe fillers, and Bob got a nice pair of wool socks in his. As for our gifts, I made Bob's robe that he got from me (which I posted about earlier), and he got me a new Calle street soccer ball (because someone used mine while I was serving as a missionary for 18 months and never gave it back or replaced it... *cough* Ben *cough* That's okay, I wasn't really expecting to get it back anyway.). 

Also, I was reading somewhere about gift etiquette. Apparently, a woman should never receive anything related to cooking as a gift, ever. Well, I'm sorry whoever wrote that, but you are SO wrong! I absolutely love cooking--baking especially. I asked for lots of kitchenware for Christmas. If that were all I got, I would be so happy! It is pretty much all I got anyway, and I'm not complaining one bit! My favorite (I know I shouldn't pick favorites, but I really can't help it) is from my sister-in-law, Lauren. I seriously was not expecting this beauty:

I've been saving this space on the wall for something specifically like this! Ah, it's like a dream come true! And what I love about it is that my mom & dad got me a bunch of other cooking stuff, and now I can use Lauren's gift to hang my parent's gifts on. Perfect!

I'm still so happy about it, I sometimes can't contain myself and I squeal as I jump up and down for joy when I walk through the kitchen.

What a good end of 2010 we had!

newly recovered throw pillows

When Bob and I got married, we moved into an unfurnished apartment. That meant we were taking any furniture anyone wanted to give to us, no matter how stylishly hideous it was. In fact, the other day I realized that we've only bought three pieces of furniture that we use on a regular basis, and we we got some wicked-good deals on them--our entertainment center, one of our dressers, and our bed. Otherwise, it's all been free.

So before we got married someone told me their apartment complex was getting new couches and just throwing out the old ones. I was all over that. I couldn't afford to care what it looked like--we just needed a place to sit when people come over and to snuggle while watching movies.

Since we've been married I'd been looking at couch covers on a regular basis. For a while I used two huge blankets--two because it's such a massive beast of furniture that one wouldn't cover it. Then some friends of ours gave us a bright red cover that they weren't using anymore (Thank you, Zach & Teresa!!). I have to say, almost any solid color is better than that navy, green, red, and tan plaid. (Although, with our green carpet it looks like Christmas year round in our living room with that red couch cover. Good thing I like that holiday!)

So for a while we've had this pretty red couch, and the plaid pillows matched it okay, but let's be honest, the pillows really were hideous regardless of what color they were paired with.

The other day while at the fabric store, I found a rockin' deal on some upholstery fabric. There I was, standing in line to get some fabric cut. Of course, the cutting counter is right next to the discount aisle. I find this nice fuzzy cross-hatched looking brown fabric and liked it. Then I looked at the price. It was originally $9 a yard, marked down to $6, and that day it was half off of that. $3 a yard later, I was all stocked up and ready to go.

Using that, I finally decided it was time to give those plaid pillows a face lift.

The process:

The outcome:

A tip: My original throw pillows were super flat and pretty worthless. I made these pillows an inch smaller so the stuffing would puff them out more and not get so flat.

Bob likes them because they're firm and fluffy. I like them because of that too, and because they're pretty.

(I also really like the holes in Bob's socks in this picture.)

House = Home

Since Bob and I have been married, I've wanted a nice bed frame, or at least a headboard. When we were still living in that crummy basement apartment we started building a simple one together, and then it got put on hold.... And six months later I finished it with a little bit of Bob's help.

I was at Jo-Ann's yesterday and got inspired by their Veteran's Day sale. Tons of things were 50% off. So we went back tonight and bought some upholstery foam and canvas. And then I found some other fabric that was already discounted to $6 a yard in the red-tag section (from $9+), and it was all half off as well. $3 a yard?! I think so! I love good sales.

Even though we spent quite a chunk of money, we saved the same amount that we paid because of how great of a sale everything was. Maybe we should have waited to buy all of that, but then it would have cost full price and we would have had to save up even more for even longer. Oh well. I think it was worth it.

So it started out as a bunch of stuff...

 ...and it turned into a simple upholstered headboard.

 Bob documented my progress. 

He also blatantly spoke of my attractiveness since I know how to handle tools.

There's even extra fabric left over that I can use to make some small wall-hangings and/or re-cover some throw pillows.

Now I want to find a deal on some pillow cases, because all the different shades of orange and the random blue one just make it all way too busy. I'm thinking dark brown. It would tie everything together so much better.


We also bought a curtain rod for the living room and now we have curtains up around that huge front window. And we found some baskets for our shoe shelf next to the front door.

I liked our house when we moved in back in August, but I'm loving this place more every day!

Lastly, here's my latest creation of custom-made clothing for a client of mine:

Pretty retro, huh? He loves it. I can't wait to get it done and see him wearing it. I really hope he wears it during concerts and shows that he and his band put on. It's so appropriate for him and his personality. 

And now that these projects are just about done, I'm going to work on Christmas gifts. 

The list never ends, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Life is good when I have fabric, beads, wire, glue, scissors, and pliers covering my hobby table.

projects in the process

I've been doing a lot lately, hence the sparseness or lack of blogging. But here are some things I've been working on:

Somehow I can't ever quit sewing for other people. Last winter I made some clothing for this guy named Jeff who's in a band. He's 6' 4" and weighs maybe 160. He's super tall and really skinny, so it's hard to find clothes that fit him well. His mom found me at JoAnn's one day and just struck up a conversation with me, got my business card, and next thing I know I'm taking his measurements and custom-making a snazzy shirt and an even snazzier blazer for him. Well, the other day he came wanting another shirt and a vest as well, and this time he brought his girlfriend with him, who happens to want a dress made. I started on the dress first, and here's what it looks like so far:

Also, on Saturday we had a small yard sale together with our neighbors, during which we played scrabble and made $30. Also, our neighbors happen to have some small hedge clippers, so we trimmed down some crazy branches off of a bush in front of the house that blocks some of our front window. Then, I'm not sure why, but I made a wreath out of the clipped-off branches. We have some rose bushes in our front yard as well, along with some nice vines growing in the back. Everyone joined in and suggested putting some roses on it and Bob went and clipped some vines for me to use as well. It was fun, and I think it turned out pretty fabulous, considering that I made it all from scraps of whatever was on the property at our house.

Lastly, I'm planning on having a pajama party this Friday. It's been a while since I've had a party of any kind, and I remember throwing parties all the time when I was a little girl. My mom encouraged it and I think she had a lot of fun with it too. So, I'm starting up again. I made up a bunch of invitations and handed them out to friends. The front has lots of colors and different papers used and the back has all the information on it. I wanted them to be reminiscent of pajama pants, but I'm not sure if that really came across or not. Here's what they look like:

I'm planning on putting together some little bracelet-making and card-making kits for everyone who wants one, and I have a friend who is a Mary Kay consultant who will hopefully be able to come and demonstrate the new microderm-abrasion product available and maybe do some makeovers as well. The girls that come can either stay a few hours or sleep over, and then in the morning Bob and a friend (who he's staying with that night, and whose wife will be attending the party) will be making pancakes for anyone who will be staying the night. I'm pretty excited about it! I love throwing parties!

the 2nd place we live...

So Bob and I moved to a new place! Well, the house isn't new, but the whole experience is new. We have windows!! There's at least one window in every room, even the bathroom. We don't even have to turn on any lights during the day! It's amazing!

The kitchen is huge and there's a ton of cabinet space, plus a window over the sink. 

The shower in the bathroom is a normal size, which seems huge. 

The ceilings are high enough to stretch and not scrape your knuckles on the painful, painted-over popcorn finish that our old place had. It's one bedroom, one bathroom, but the living room is big enough that we've sectioned it off to make a small part of it a little craft area for me. When we can afford it, I plan on getting a nice room divider to put between the two implied rooms. And there's a HUGE front window in the living room.

There's a nice yard, and on our front steps there's a cucumber vine in a planting box. 

I know a lot of people were like, "What? You already moved?" because we just kind of suddenly did it. But the former tenants were some friends of ours, and we learned that they were leaving Tuesday morning of last week, so we started moving in that afternoon. That night I decided we should just move our bed and some clothes over so we could go ahead and start living there. So we did. And holy cow--what an amazing change! I'm far less depressed and it's not as big of a struggle to get out of bed every day. Bob seems happier too! The hard part is now that I love this place so much I don't want to go to work--I wanna stay here!

The first morning I woke up here, I got up early with Bob and got breakfast ready in our fabulous kitchen, made him a lunch, and then sat in the living room looking out the big front window to watch the sunrise. It put me in a great mood and I've had some really good days since living here.

And moving was fun, and yet it makes me crazy. I love the change, but all the packing and unpacking drives me nuts. Plus, we had a limited supply of boxes. Luckily the move was just around the block, so we'd pack up all the boxes we had, load them into my car, drive the 15 seconds over to the new place,  unload them, unpack them, and then bring the empty boxes back to reload. I put things away during the process, so just about everything is in its place already. That was the best way to move! I've enjoyed it.

Our contract at the old place ends on the 31st, and this month's rent for the new place was already paid for by our friends who moved out. So we have a few more days to finish cleaning the old basement before we're done there. It's just really hard to get myself motivated to go back to that dank, dreary place, especially since I hate cleaning--especially there. But we'll get it done and hopefully get our deposit back too, especially since paying our deposit here has really hurt us financially. But we'll bounce back... That is, after tuition, textbooks, and September rent all get paid too...

Our Hobby Room/Office

So our first little apartment has been a fun place to live. It's old and poorly kept up by the landlord, complete with bad repairs, no repairs, and tons of ghetto-rigged repairs. Some of the latter are from us, I'll be honest, but we're not about to spend a ton of money to fix up a place we don't own. I think we've done pretty well with it though. Even with the low ceilings, pipes and ducts everywhere, horrible white walls, and ridiculous layout, it's still cozy, comfortable, and best of all it feels like home.

Jennie Ray was living with us for a few months while she got on her feet here. She just needed to get out of Clarksville, and I've been in those shoes before. I also know how hard it can be to start off on your own for the first time. With that in mind, we let her stay with us until she got more established here in Utah. We had a spare bedroom, so why not? Granted, when we moved into this place we hadn't planned on having her live here so we had to changed our move-in and set-up plans. But that was totally fine, aside from being more crowded in our bedroom.

Well, she moved out and into her first apartment, which she loves, along with her fun roommates. So Bob and I got our spare room back. So we moved forward with our original plans for it. Now it's back to being an office/hobby & project room. Here's some pictures (although they're already outdated because there's more on the bookshelves and I have a mess of fabrics, scissors, thread, hot glue gun, etc. on my table):

 The view down the hall as you walk in.

Here's my little side of the room.

And here's the view from where I sit. 

Not too bad, eh? I love it. It's helped me relax more and keep my sanity. I think I've needed a place like this my whole life, and now I finally have space for it. 

And now, I'm going to get back to using this room for what it's meant to be used for.

a premature sigh of relief

I am so glad December is drawing to a close! My wedding last month, Bree's (Bob's younger sister) wedding this month, Christmas, and lots of driving and money-sucking activities are done!!

It was so nice to get home after all the madness. But I forgot. The madness isn't even over yet!

We're supposed to be getting new carpet. I don't know when, but we are. Today we're supposed to be getting a new carpet pad in the living room, but that's all that's scheduled. I wonder if they can just come and put the carpet in the bedroom while they're at it. We need it with our average 41 degree basement apartment with no heat. I'm probably breathing asbestos from the crumbing linoleum in there and my future children will have severe birth defects because of it. Maybe I can sue the owner for it and get tons of money and never have to work another day in my life. Just kidding. That would be lazy.

It's just super annoying because I can't put anything away right now. It'll all just have to get moved again. So I don't know where anything is right now because our bicycles are in the kitchen, the TV is on the recliner, all our blankets and sheets are crowding me here on the couch, and things are back in boxes and stacked where ever there is space. My house is a total mess, and I can't un-messify it yet. Gah!!

At least I have fuzzy slippers that Bob got me for Christmas.

I just finished budgeting what's left of our money. I can't believe how hard it can be to keep up with finances while on vacation. Suprisingly, we're doing okay. That's a relief.

Jennie Ray is coming to stay with us for a while on January 12th. She's needed to get out of Clarksville for a while now, and she finally is. I didn't want a lack of a place to live to keep her from leaving that town. She wanted to move out here anyway, and I would have loved to sell her my place at the pink house after I got married, but I didn't know she was looking at that time. Maybe in the summer and fall next year she can rent it out. It is a wicked-good deal. She deserves it.

And next semester starts a week from today. Ridiculous. How am I supposed to focus and do well in school when I don't have space to do homework at home because I'm waiting on carpet and never had time to get my home in order? At least I don't have any Friday classes scheduled. I just wish I could have bought a midweek pass to Sundance back in October. I wish i could have been able to afford to buy one, anyway. I'll just start saving now for next year.

I think I'll take a nap now. I should go grocery shopping or clean out the fridge (because I didn't do that before vacation and now the food in there is really old) or fix my hair and do something productive with myself, but I'm tired. I don't have work or school. And just being able to sleep right now and not have any time-pressing matter due today is a little advantage I just need to take right now. It really is such a tender mercy for me at the moment, pathetic as it might sound.

Sweet dreams to me.

Changes and Floods

So it's been months since I've blogged. Here's an update:

I started my major and love it (industrial design).
I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
I got married.
I'm going to Singapore for three weeks as a study abroad student in May.
Our apartment flooded and we're getting new carpet.

There you go.









Just kidding. Really, all of that has happened, but I bet you want details. So here they are.

I love my industrial design classes! For the first time since second grade, I look forward to going to school. It's awesome. No textbooks or studying or boring, lengthy lectures. Instead we have short interactive lectures, we create and build 2-D and 3-D models, we sketch, we build prototypes of products we design, and we discuss and critique one another's work in class. It's great!!

In planning for my wedding, I think I started going a little crazy. Maybe I was just stressed out. Yeah, I think I was overly stressed out and that made me start losing my mind. School, work, and planning a wedding while trying to have a social life with my roommates and go on dates with Bob plus keep up with going to the temple and doing my calling and attend all the church meetings (Sunday meetings, Institute, FHE, etc.) I was supposed to... It all just started getting to me. I also had some past issues continually arising and I'd digress back to some pretty miserable emotional states more frequently than is normal. Bob would frequently suggest and encourage me to go see a therapist. I always thought it was a load of bologna and that therapists were just for people who needed an excuse to get out of things when life got hard. Then I realized that I was mentally and emotionally struggling with myself personally and just keeping myself together in public. So I decided it couldn't hurt and if I thought it was a waste of time I could just not go back after the first time... So I went to the counseling center on campus, scheduled an appointment, and went to that first meeting with my psychologist.

I told her that I just wanted to give it a shot, my then fiance encouraged me to see her, told her some of my background and history, and answered her questions. Then she discussed an analyzed much of which I told her, especially about my past. She told me I have post-traumatic stress disorder. I didn't like being diagnosed with some mental and emotional problem... although the more I thought about it, the more I realized she's right. Everything I struggle with--the way I think, my fears and concerns, the times I freeze up or freak out in certain situations (it's mostly internal--I usually hide things from everyone, yet another symptom), intruding thoughts and memories that I block out of my memory that resurface from time to time, my occasional uncontrollable crying--it all points to that. What a weird realization that I have a real problem, and that even has a name. She later gave me a chart with the cycle of the disorder, and she showed me where I'm stuck at and we're making goals on how I can progress.

Weird. I never thought I'd actually believe all that rubbish, but I'm really starting to think it's true.

Bob and I are even going to a couple's support group now. He even liked the idea and was kind of excited about it. And it's been good for me. It's been really hard too. I've been so used to blocking things out, pushing them from my mind, ignoring them, making myself go numb so I wouldn't feel anything emotionally, and then breaking down at some point but never taking care of the real problem. I'd usually just sleep it off until I could block it all out again. I think that actually getting down to the real problem and fixing it is harder.

Way harder. Now when I cry I'm supposed to try and let it out, not close up, and embrace the fact that it hurts. I'm not sure how to do that, to be honest. I grew up thinking that crying is always bad, that I should never do it, because it just meant that I wanted unnecessary attention or that I was spoiled. So I tried for most of my life not to cry. Obviously I have cried sometimes--lots of times--but I always felt guilty for crying and I'd even get punished sometimes for crying--sent to my room, grounded, put in timeout, etc. I never understood why my parents didn't want me to cry--I just thought I was never supposed to. EVER. So I'd make myself emotionally numb when I would want to cry so that I wouldn't. It became a habit and a part of me. And it's not healthy.

So now I'm trying to let myself cry. I still feel guilty and I still feel like I should make myself stop as soon as it starts. As soon as I can get it into my head that crying is not bad, that it's natural and okay to do, I can begin to move on and overcome this disorder that I apparently have. First I have to accept the fact that everything that has happened to me has really happened, yes it sucks, but it's in the past and I can't do anything about it. And then, I can have all this crying and mourning out of my system and I can move on. It just really hurts to finally let myself feel everything I have been suppressing and numbing, and that's the hard part. I should have taken care of all of this a long time ago, but it was a secret I was terrified to admit. And none of it is my own fault, which is also hard to admit.

And I also feel like I need to have this under control and have myself more put together before I can have kids. My children deserve a strong, healthy mother and a loving home. And I worry that I won't be able to provide that until I get this all taken care of. And now that I'm married, I can't procrastinate this any longer.

Which brings me to the next bit of news that everyone already knows, but for my blog's sake I'll announce it. I'm married!! November 21st, 2009, my own family was sealed together for time and all eternity in the San Diego temple. And it was perfect. It wasn't what I had planned exactly, it wasn't what I had dreamed or hoped for necessarily, especially the hour or two before we made it to the temple, but it was perfect. I couldn't have asked for nicer weather, a more beautiful sunset, or better company, especially my new husband.

We've been married for three weeks now, and it has been so much fun! Seriously, marrying my best friend might have been one of my top five best decisions of my life. I guess I was expecting something to change once we got married, an the only thing that has changed is the amount of physical intimacy we can have. We still have the same amazing hugs, he still makes me laugh every day, we still wrestle on the living room floor occasionally, we still watch movies, we still eat breakfast together each morning, we still tell lame jokes together, we still hold hands whenever we can, we still get butterflies from occasional really good kisses... But now, I get to wake up and fall asleep next to him each morning and night, we get to get ready for church together on Sundays, we can fall asleep on the couch watching movies late at night and not feel guilty about it, we don't have to be careful about kissing too much or too passionately, he doesn't have to walk me home each night (or if he does he can just come on in when he does because he lives there too), and we get to share all of our stuff, especially our kitchen things. Life is great, and it's just going to keep getting better, even if it gets difficult sometimes.

Then, last Friday, I had an interview for a study abroad I applied for. Originally, I had just heard about it and invited Bob to come along to a seminar about it. I just like to find out things about my major and what people are doing in it so I can explain what industrial designers do better. I never actually thought I would really do anything huge; I sometimes just like to know about things like that.
So after the seminar ended, I asked Bob, "So what do you think about that?"
Without missing a beat he said, "I think you should do it!!"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" he responded, and then proceeded to encourage me strongly to apply, and go, and that he'd do whatever he needed to to fund for it. I was surprised. Usually he analyzes everything for a long time before making any decision. I guess that's mostly when he makes a choice for himself. I think he just saw that gleam in my eye about how much I love to travel and how i wish I could take opportunities like that while I can. Needless to say, I got online and applied right after we left the seminar that evening.

So back to Friday. I go in for an interview. After asking me about my background, the professor interviewing me asked, "So why do you want to go to Singapore?" I thought for a moment, then responded about how I love to learn about these opportunities but never take them, and this time my husband really wanted me to go, so I finally applied. Plus it sounds like such a fun and once in a lifetime experience, I'd hate to pass it up and always wish I'd gone. He went on to explain a little more about the course and the country.
At the closing of the interview he said, "Okay, well, we'll be happy to have you come along with us!"
I was like, "So I'm accepted already?"
And I am. So.... Singapore it is! I'll be there for three weeks, from mid-May until the beginning of June. I need a passport, I need to save up a bunch of money, I need to get my GPA up... I have tons to do now!! But I'm so excited about it! I will be taking lots of pictures while I'm there, and it's going to be awesome.

Then there's today. I woke up this morning, and Bob and I laid in bed for a while just talking. I could hear some water trickling outside somewhere. I guessed the temperature had warmed up enough to start melting the snow or maybe it was just raining because it was barely above freezing or something. I got up and went to the bathroom at one point, then crawled back into bed under the warm covers. A few minutes later Bob got up to go to the bathroom. His feet hit the carpet and he said, "Ah! ...ohhh-mygosh."

I leaned over to look at the part of the floor he was staring at. "What?" I asked confusedly. He lifted his foot up and I could see his foot print in the carpet, dark and wet.

"You know that water you were hearing earlier," he said, "well, I think it's inside."

We put on our shoes and started moving things around. We found the source of the water pretty quickly. There's a pipe end in the wall a few feet from our bed, and water was just streaming out of it, inside and out of the wall. It wasn't spewing, but it was like some one had turned on a water faucet at a nice flow. The carpet in over half the room was soaked, with at least an inch of water under the carpet. The carpet in the bicycle closet was soaked as well, as well as part of the living room all the way to the front door. Thank goodness somebody gave us a bucket full of goodies for our wedding, because it came in handy for catching the water. We had to change the bucket every five or six minutes though, because the water was coming in so quickly it filled it up that fast. It was ridiculous. We made it to church after a plumber had come and stopped the water. Bob and I got callings--we're now ward missionaries (Hooray!). Then, just after the sacrament Bob got a phone call from the carpet cleaners, so he took off to go let them in the house.

When I got home from church, I got to see the damage. The wall has some nice water damage. The carpet in the bedroom is gone, with some old and crumbly linoleum left over that was underneath it. The carpet pad from half the living room is gone, although the carpet is still there and drying from being shampooed. all of our furniture that we had just gotten settled into place is now moved temporarily. And some of our things got a little wet, although I don't think any real damage was done.

Wow. Married a month and our first minor-catastrophe has already occurred. Life sure is going to be full of surprises with Bob.

At least we're getting new carpet out of it.